Week in Review: 03.05-03.11

Total miles: 69.33
Average weekly pace: 8:30
Total running time: 9:51
Total swimming yards: 0
Total swimming time: 0
Walk/hike distance: ~4
Walk/hike time: ~1:00
Strength training time: 1:50
Total workout time: 12:41

M, 03.05: 8.5 miles in ~45:00 - I left my Garmin in my teammate's car after Saturday's race, so this was weird. I also forgot to write down the time, so I'm just guesstimating on the time it took. Oops. This was a good run to start off what turned into a crazy week! I had to do it at the crack of chickens due to my new part-time job that requires me to be a normal person with normal hours 2 days a week. And of course, had time allowed, I felt like going farther. Le sigh.

T, 03.06: 3.5 in 30:30 (am); 30' PT session with chiro; 8.6 in 1:07:56 (pm) - The morning run was just a typical shake out the legs run in anticipation of the evening workout. I was so busy all day that I didn't have a chance to do more than glance at the prescribed workout, didn't get a chance to calculate the pace for the 600 repeats we'd be doing, and then when I showed up to practice, there was the option for 3x10 min at LT pace with 2 min rest between efforts. Obviously, this seemed like a much better marathon workout, so Pam, Heather, and I headed to the park for these repeats. I was still without my Garmin and had no idea how my body would feel after Saturday's race. Pam had also raced on Saturday, and Heather had done a killer workout over the weekend, so none of us knew exactly what we'd be capable of. I was running blindly with Pam, who announced after a mile that I was either going to be really happy or really pissed that I didn't have my Garmin. After the second repeat, she said, "Ok, Miss I'm-scared-of-sub-7-pace, we're hitting 6:45s." And I felt amazing the entire time - not like I was struggling to keep up or to push the pace; just strong and solid and in control. I don't think I'm going to be going Garmin-less as a rule, but it just really solidified for me the mental debris I'm sifting through right now. It was a great workout to redeem myself for my crappy race and move on to the next stage of my training.

W, 03.07: 5.56 in 56:30 (am); 4.1 in 35:49 (pm) - Body felt good in general today. The morning run was a gorgeous but early run in the park. The evening run was with my beer-drinking running club through the Mission - so some killer hills were involved, but I felt good.

I met for my second appointment with the sports psychologist today. We talked a lot about finding focus and a routine. My goal between now and our next appointment is to find a mantra that I can use when the negative demons start entering into my head during workouts and races. I'm also going to start scheduling even more about my day - including runs, email and Facebook time, etc. - so that I'm not so scattered all the time. I'd already been working on a pre-run routine, which I haven't quite flushed out yet, but at the very least I'm trying to be more focused on just the run, rather than checking email a million times while I change and getting distracted by other things.

R, 03.08: 11.4 in 1:32:58 - I finally hit the road just before sunset, and spent 2 miles trying to figure out what kind of workout I wanted to do: mile repeats at LT, longer LT repeats, hills at LT effort... I finally did 2x2 miles at LT, 15 min easy, 10 min uphill @ LT effort. The first LT split was a bit slow (7:10), but I was running on a dark-ass path with unsure footing for half of it. When I moved over to the road, things got better, and the second 2 miles were at 6:54. I felt pretty solid, and I'm glad I pushed things rather than just doing an easy MLR. I also played around with a few mantras, and I think I found a good one. I followed the run with 15 minutes of hip/glute exercises.

F, 03.09: 5.57 in 50:58 - A nice, early, easy recovery run. Followed by 25 minutes of core work.

S, 03.10: 22.1 in 3:07:49 - Long runs like this are the reason I train for marathons. After a few miles of getting into the groove, I was hitting low-8s for pretty much the entire run. I felt smooth, strong, was breathing easy, and my heart rate stayed well below 160 until I ran uphill for the last mile or two. I haven't had as many super long runs this cycle, between racing and doing some longer quality workouts on the weekends, so it felt good to get a solid one in the books.

U, 03.11: SRD - After realizing my mileage for the week was at the 70 mark, I thought a rest day was called for, as I was feeling a bit creaky. As the day went on, I debated going out, but a good kettlebell session and a long walk through Lands End was more than enough.

Next week:
I'm racing the Emerald Across the Bay 12k on Sunday. I'm going to juggle things around a bit and do a long-ish run on Thursday (16-17 miles) so I don't have to worry about missing a long run for the race. That gives me a full two days to recover before the race.

I'm also really going to focus on the mental training aspect and see how I can implement some of the things I talked about with the psychologist into my training runs and races. Tuesday's workout on the track should be a good test, as the workout's a tough one!

My schedule has suddenly become a lot more rigid due to a new part-time job that has me on "normal-person" hours two days a week. I still need to readjust my routine to make sure I can still get to the pool and do strength training. I have a few exercises from my PT/chiropractor that take about 15 minutes to do, so that's been good to do immediately after runs, but my regular weights and kettlebell routines are still important for me to fit in.

On that note, it's an early morning tomorrow, so in the interest of sleep (another thing for me to get better at this week), that's all for now!

Week in Review: 02.20-02.26

Total miles: 44.58
Average weekly pace: 9:07
Total running time: 6:47
Total swimming yards: 5200
Total swimming time: 1:50
Walk/hike distance: 3.2
Walk/hike time: :58
Total workout time: 11:02

M, 02.20: As mentioned previously, this is the run that maybe shouldn't have happened. Especially now in hindsight... I also did my 3.2-mile "sunset loop" walk and some core work in the evening.

T, 02.21: I did an easy 3 in the morning to test everything out. My hamstring was tight, but certainly not painful, and seemed to get better as the run progressed. After a killer session on the foam roller and some diligent icing, I didn't feel anything the rest of the day. I figured I was good to go at the evening's track session. I figured wrong. I was ok during the warm-up - again, tightness but not pain. I was really excited about nailing the workout: the infamous Michigan Miles. This workout is as follows: 1600@10K pace, 1600@LT, 1200@5K, 1600@LT, 800@3K, 1600@LT, 400@1500, with the only rest being the jog from the track to the path that encircles the top of the stadium for the LT miles. As I started at my 10K pace, which was feeling strong and solid, I felt my hamstring a bit but then it seemed to settle down. Until the 300m mark, at which point it seized up and told me to stop. After a few minutes of cursing and some frustrated tears, I talked to the coaches, and got a recommendation for a chiropractor/sports medicine doctor. Upon getting back home, I left them a voicemail, iced, and had a pity beer.

W, 02.22: Rolling, icing, moping, repeat. I also swam an easy 2400 yd in 50 min.

R, 02.23: The leg felt better when I woke up, and I had my appointment first thing in the morning. After analyzing my stance, I was diagnosed with a "classic case" of a twisted pelvis. My lateral stabilizing muscles - the gluteus medius - aren't strong enough to maintain a neutral pelvis, so it gets all twisty. The whole thing twists to my right, causing my right psoas and my left hamstring to be chronically tight. It was actually pretty cool how he figured this out: I lied on my back and basically wiggled my feet back and forth, together and apart. When I stopped moving and let them rest naturally, they both pointed to my right. Twisted feet = twisted pelvis. After some ART-type massage and some time hooked up to the stim machine, I could feel a difference. I was also given the green-light to run and "let the pain be my guide." I was also told to keep it between 4-6 miles, but that was contradictory advice, as it turns out. The beautiful, unseasonably warm weather that day was tempting, but I was good: I iced and swam (2800 yd in an hour, including 7 100-yd 'faster' with 25 yd of easy breaststroke in between).

F, 02.24: judgment day! I felt a bit tight when I sat up in bed and tentatively touched my toes, but a busy day ahead meant getting up and hitting the road first thing. And I felt great! Tight, to be sure, but I was able to do 5.6 miles at a super easy pace pain-free. Again, rolling and icing post-run like a good girl! To add to my good run, I was also notified that I am officially a member of the Impala Racing Team - I was accepted after my tryout period! I am so pumped to be getting to know these women and to be a part of a team!

S, 02.25: My OCD kicked in. I didn't want to miss a long run in my training cycle. But, I wasn't going to force the miles and be out another week. When I left my house, I really didn't know if I was going to run for 2 miles or 20. I ran the first 5 miles very tentatively (read: paranoid). Again, the leg was tight but definitely not painful. I kept the first section on the flat path along the beach. Five miles later, I was feeling good and loose and decided to loop around Lake Merced, which would give me at least 14 for the day. Running back along Sunset to the park, I didn't want to just go home. I looped the park first! At any point in my run, I was willing to stop at the first whisper of pain (I know that's easy for me to say now that I didn't end up having to, but I swear it's true! I had my phone and my credit card for cab fare if I needed it!). But my leg actually responded to the miles by improving, and there were definitely some miles in there where I could forget about monitoring my leg and enjoy the nice day. If I got too greedy with the pace, which was anything under about 8:20-8:30, I felt tightness, so I just kept things nice and easy. It was definitely the slowest long run I've done in recent memory, but totally worth keeping the leg happy for a greater number of miles! After the run, I rolled and sat in an ice bath, and I also iced later in the day.

U, 02.26: I waited until the afternoon to run, after having some errands to run and writing to do in the morning (including jetting around town on my newest addition: Phoebe, my age-undetermined Specialized Craigslist find!) Again, I left not knowing how long I'd run, and to my delight, I completed 8.5 miles without pain, without tightness, feeling like my old running self. I still rolled and am currently sitting on ice, but this definitely bodes well for my upcoming week! I was feeling so much better than I even added on a kettlebell and leg-heavy strength routine, which I neglected the past week.

Next week:
I have another appointment tomorrow morning for some more pelvis-neutralizing fun. I definitely want to get some at-home exercises to get those stabilizing muscles into shape! My friend Chris already has me doing a bunch, so I can only imagine how bad they'd be if I hadn't been doing those! Yikes!

The scheduled team workout for Tuesday is 1000m repeats at 10K pace. I don't think I will be testing out the hamstring at 10K pace! I'd be tempted to do LT miles, but certainly not 10K. I will save myself for Saturday, when I am entered to run the NorCal 10-miler as an Impala. It will definitely be a game-time decision to race or guard the leg, but I'm excited to wear Impala blue and represent the team.

I also have a meeting with the sports psychologist I mentioned in a previous post. The free initial consultation can't hurt, and I think it could be a motivating conversation at the very least.

50 days till Boston!

7 for today's 7.36 in 1:07:01

1. My left hamstring is being a cranky asshatface. It has been off and on since I had to run 20 miles on a treadmill last weekend (F), followed by another 8 TM miles the next day (S). My legs always revolt from TM miles. On day 3 (U), I noticed it grabbing after a mile so called it quits and took the next day  (M) off. It didn't even whisper at last week's Tuesday track session, and was nice all week until Saturday, where it started protesting during the end of my last LT repeat. I cut today's planned 10 short because I want to do tomorrow's track workout. I found some nasty shit with the foam roller post-run - of course, I've been rolling it ever since it started squawking, but today was especially brutal. Between the rolling and icing, I hope to nip this niggle in the bud - it feels a million times better tonight than it did this morning.

For those of you who have dealt with cranky hamstrings before, I have a question: when I roll, the tightest point is at the top of my hamstring, near my glute, but the part that is cranky is at the other end, on the outside of my leg close to my knee. I'm sure the tightness is just manifesting itself there, but has anyone else had this happen?

2. Today was probably a "do as I say, not as I do" run. I think I should have cut it even shorter. I know I would have given that advice to anyone with a niggle. So, I will berate myself for running and promise (with crossed fingers) that it will never happen again. I blame the fact that I was 3.5 miles away from home when I realized I should probably not do 10 miles and that returning was almost all downhill, which didn't stress things out too badly, and that it doesn't really "hurt," but just feels like it could be very easily convinced to turn into a monster.

3. Tomorrow morning, I'll evaluate things and see how the leg feels about a 3 mile easy run. I don't want any surprises at practice tomorrow night. But, as per post #2 above, I'll be smart!

4. Last week, I got to join the team for a clinic/presentation by a sports psychologist. A lot of what she said really resonated with me, and it's been making my mind churn a bit, both about running and other stuff. She talked a lot about breaking bad patterns and gaining confidence and turning off negative self-talk. I'm not going to expand any more now, but I think some mental training blogs are forthcoming. It also made me realize that, even though I'm not really a believer in "fate," per se, the universe sometimes brings people into our lives at the exact moment you need them. The trick is to recognize you need them.

5. I am trying to not feel guilty over not setting my alarm and waking up at 8 naturally every day. I work from home. I should not have to get up at 6 just for the sake of having a long morning, especially when I can't usually get myself to bed before 11 no matter how good my intentions are. So what if my work day begins at 10? Sleep trumps forcing myself to be a morning person!

6. I'm going to be very, very cranky if my hamstring sucks tomorrow.

7. I will be smart - I will be smart - I will be smart.

6 for 6

6 for today's easy 6 in 57:05

1. I am writing this from my balcony, where I am sitting in a cozy chair in a bikini top and floppy sun hat. The sun is hot, the breeze is cool, I can see the ocean, and it's days like this that make me have to pinch myself to realize that I'm here, that I'm here because I want to be and for no other reason, and that makes me happy. I told my mom the other day that on each of my runs, I still have a moment that takes my breath away, be it a view or a passing "I'm lucky to be here thought." I hope I never lose the ability to count my blessings.

2. I normally go long on Saturdays, but I'm doing the Kaiser Permanente half marathon tomorrow, so I still have one more hard workout this week. I won't be racing it, but rather doing it as a MP run. I'll do approximately 3 miles to warm up, then do the race in 1:35 (7:14 pace). This race is right in my backyard, on the roads I run nearly every day, so it will be a fun way to get in my first official MP run of the training cycle. It is actually an ideal course for a PR race, but as I mentioned last time, that's not what I need right now in my training.

3. Even though I still have one more workout to go this week, I have felt really great all week long. I think I'll be able to bump up the mileage a bit next week while keeping the same amount of quality runs. I think increasing the mileage and holding it steady for a few weeks is letting me adapt to the addition of some intense workouts. Hopefully this will continue over the upcoming weeks as the long runs get longer.

4. On Thursday, I'll be heading to Cancun with some of my best girlfriends for a long weekend. I will have to do some adjusting, but I don't think I'm going to be able to avoid a long run while I'm there. This will probably mean heading to the treadmill in the fitness center of the resort, as I'm not really sure I should be trying to run 20 miles along a highway in Mexico. It's crazy to think that Mexico is now on the "do not run in strange places alone" list, but I'd rather load up my iPod with episodes of This American Life and Marathon Times podcasts than be looking over my shoulder for 20 miles. Unless, of course, anyone has recently been to Cancun and can suggest a good running route :) Of course, once I get there, I may be able to find a little loop around the grounds of the resort to run around millions of times. (Note to the girls: I'll wake up early enough and won't let the run lessen my fun the night before, so you won't even know I've done it. This is vacation, after all, and I'd rather have a crappy run than give up any fun!)

5. Ok, males (and anyone else who doesn't want to hear girl-talk), skip to #6 (and don't say I didn't warn you). Since Houston, I've been really diligent about counting calories and trying to get my diet back in check. And the scale Has. NOT. Budged. And it's super frustrating because it makes me want to just give up. I had an epiphany the other day: that the time over which I've seen the scale creep up coincides exactly with a change in my birth control pill prescription. And sure enough, this week I'm on the placebo, and I dropped a good 5 pounds almost overnight! Holy crap! I have an appointment on Monday to get a new prescription, and I hope I can go back to something without this terrible side effect. I've been on several pills and this is the first time I've had to deal with weight gain. Any other ladies have this problem? How annoying is that? My clothes really aren't fitting any differently, but I'd rather not have to carry around the extra pounds on my runs, especially when I'm trying to lean up and slim down. Stoopid hormones.

6. Ok, welcome back males. Looking back on the goals I set for myself this week, I realize I should recap if I met them or not!
~ Nailing Tuesday's workout of 1200 m repeats at 10 K pace. That's about 6:30 for me, so I will just focus on not going out too fast so I can complete all the reps.* Met and then some! I was stoked about this workout! I hit splits at 5:01 (6:32 pace); 5:00 (6:28); 4:53 (6:21); 4:55 (6:22); 4:58 (6:28); 4:52 (6:21). And I felt fantastic - for as bad as I felt last week, I felt awesome during this workout. Hoo-yah!
~ I missed swimming last week. One good swim session, probably on Thursday night.
* Swam on Wednesday afternoon for 45 mins (2300 yds).
~ More kettlebell! Well, strength in general.
* Did one core session, two leg-heavy strength sessions, and three KB sessions. I really feel the difference on my when I get these workouts in.~ 8 hours of sleep per night. Which means getting over the "guilt" factor of sleeping in a bit. I freelance and work from home, why do I need to get up at 6:00 if I know I can't get my butt to bed before 22:00? Once a night owl...* Erm. Fail. 6-7 hours each night. But I am working on this!
~ One mid-week blog post in my old "list" format.
* Just in under the wire with today's post.

I'll be back tomorrow or Monday with a full recap of the week!

1 down, 11 to go!

Week 1 training: recap (70.2 miles total; 9:00 average pace; 12.6 total workout hours)

Mon: started the week off with a "whatever" run (whatever distance, whatever pace) of 8.75 miles.

Tues: ~4 easy in the morning, then an evening track workout with the Impalas. After a warmup, drills, and some strides, the workout was 3-5x1600 at LT pace with 1 min recovery. I did 3 in 6:37, 6:37, 6:46. The first two were definitely too fast, but they didn't feel like it - the benefits of working out with others. I don't know why I stopped after 3. I felt tired, but probably no more than to be expected, and I was honestly annoyed with myself for a good 48 hours for not doing at least 4, if not 5. It made me really think about my mental game and pushing myself when things get hard. It's been evident in my races, and I don't want it to come through in my workouts, especially those with the team. I want to push myself to the limit to see what I'm capable of, and that won't happen by giving up in the middle of a workout.

Wed: a double recovery day, and a bit more mileage than I planned, but my slow speed didn't make the miles very straining. 5.56 in the morning, followed by some kettlebells and core work. In the evening, I ran to the bar where my Wednesday night running/drinking group met to join them, for a total of 6.5 (3.5 solo, 3 with the group).

Thurs: I had written on my plan "20-30 min @ LT." When I left the house, I definitely felt a bit sluggish, and so thought instead to do a MLR without speed. But, as you may have noticed, I said I was annoyed for 48 hours, and it hasn't been 48 hours yet. I started thinking about my workout on Tuesday, not so much that I was "missing" LT miles, but that I felt like I had given up when I got tired. So, as I neared the flattest part of the park, I thought, what the hell - I will pick up the pace for 20 minutes. Not to LT pace, but at least to HMP effort. Those 20 minutes were ~7:19 pace, which isn't really even MP, but my AHR was 177 (high for MP) and my Garmin was a bit wonky, so I'm still calling it HMP effort. And I didn't die. Score one for the mental battle.

Fri: not surprisingly, my legs were tired! I called this run before 5 miles - I was glad to have gotten out for a few, because after the run and some stretching, I know I felt better than had I not run at all. But, no use adding miles just for mileage sake. I wanted to make sure I had lots of energy on Saturday (which probably was not served well by the number of beers I drank Friday night, but, I made it to Saturday, which was...)

Sat: the Impalas met at 8:30 am for a hill workout. Even when I went to bed on Friday, I wasn't 100% sure if I would meet them or just do a long run on my own. When I woke up at 7:30, I figured I might as well go, even if the beers the night before weren't so thrilled about the idea. It was an absolutely perfect morning, there were a ton of women at practice, and I was determined to score another for my mental battle and do all 8 of the 400 m hill repeats. I came as close to puking during a workout as I have in a very long time, but I did them! Number 6 and 7 weren't very pretty, but I nailed the others at a very consistent pace. And, as I was catching my breath and trying not to lose my pre-run toast at the top of Strawberry Hill, the crystal clear view of the San Francisco skyline helped keep my spirits up! After practice, I ran back home to collect my friend Richard, who was in town for business and crashed with me the night before (hence the beers). Together, we did another 6 easy miles to round out my 16.25 for the day.

Sun: After a lazy morning of sleeping in, reading the paper, and drinking a pot of coffee, I wrapped up the week with a nice 6.25 sunny, beachy recovery run followed by some kettlebells. My legs didn't feel too bad, and I did a leg-heavy strength routine a la Chris later in the evening.

Even with 3 quality workouts, I kept the rest of the paces slow enough that my average weekly pace was only 9:00! And I'm fine with that, if it lets me add in the quality without sacrificing too much mileage. I don't know if I'll hit 90 mpw like I did in my last training cycle, but since I want to emphasize quality, that's probably for the best.

I'm signed up for the Kaiser Permanente half on Sunday, and I'm 95% sure I'll be doing it as an MP run instead of racing full-out. Even though I could technically afford a mini-taper week this week and a mini-recovery next week, I think I want to train through it. My mileage already dropped a bit around Houston, and I just want to give myself the most appropriate workout at this point. I'm not sure racing another half is what I need right now.

This week's goals:
~ Nailing Tuesday's workout of 1200 m repeats at 10 K pace. That's about 6:30 for me, so I will just focus on not going out too fast so I can complete all the reps.
~ I missed swimming last week. One good swim session, probably on Thursday night.
~ More kettlebell! Well, strength in general.
~ 8 hours of sleep per night. Which means getting over the "guilt" factor of sleeping in a bit. I freelance and work from home, why do I need to get up at 6:00 if I know I can't get my butt to bed before 22:00? Once a night owl...
~ One mid-week blog post in my old "list" format.

Return to Boston

Since the end of December, I've been running plan-less. I've been trying to do at least one "workout" per week - basically a few tempo miles thrown in to my Tuesday evening runs.

Then I ran the half marathon in Houston on the 15th. I decided on the 14th that I was going to try to race it - not expecting a PR but at least wanting an indication of what my current fitness was.

And my 1:34 time told me what I kind of already knew: that I'm fat and out of shape.

It gave me the motivation to actually want to train for Boston as a goal race. The race is 12 weeks from yesterday. Which, in cycles past meant I would crack open the Pfitz plan and get going. But I'm ready for a change, to mix things up a bit. I've been reading Daniel's Running Formula lately; I thought about using his plans for NYCM last fall and decided against it. Daniel's plan revolves around two quality workouts per week, and the rest of the days are easy or general pace runs. This seemed to be a good foundation to incorporate more quality and still be able to be flexible with the rest of the runs.

The other piece of this cycle is that I'm starting to work out with a racing team, and I want to participate 100% in the Tuesday evening track workouts.

So, taking all my basic goals - Tuesday night workouts, more targeted workouts, flexibility, getting away from Pfitz - my training plan looks like this:

M-
T- track
W-
R - Daniel's T-based runs OR a Pfitz-like MLR
F-
S- easy long run OR a Daniel's targeted long run workout
U-

The R/S runs will alternate each week. The weeks I do a T run on Thursday, I'll do a long, steady-state run on Saturday. The Saturdays I plan a Daniel's targeted run, I'll do a longer steady-state run on Thursday.

I have penciled in which workouts I think I'll do, but it also depends on what happens on the Tuesday. So, there are essentially no numbers in my plan yet. This is quite strange for me, but I think it'll allow me to be very good about running on the non-workout days as much as I can, trying to keep my mileage high, but not feel pressured to do so in case the quality days take too much out of me. And for as much as I'm a slave to numbers, there's something to be said for still being able to leave the house not knowing how far or fast I'll run and just listening to my body. This will be one big experiment, but it's making me excited about training instead of feeling "meh" about it, which is what I would be feeling if I was facing another cycle of Pfitz.

I also want to be better about doing weekly recaps and blogging more about how I'm feeling on my runs and workouts to get feedback and to keep myself honest about how I'm feeling.

Executive Decision.

Two list items for this blog post. 1 - an explanation; 2 - an executive decision.

1- Yeah, it's been a while. Between the editing gig and the job search, I've been spending nearly every waking moment on the computer. So, in my spare time, it's hard to sit down and write at the computer.

2- This past weekend, I made an executive decision about my race calendar. Most of this decision was made on my long run on Saturday. As you runners know, most internal debates that occur during long runs come in the form of a stream-of-conciousness, voices-in-your-head, back-and-forth random thoughts. I will do my best here to give you the transcript of this debate:

Ok, it's Saturday, I want to do at least 15 miles today.
But my legs feel like crap. Where did these shin splints come from?
Probably only because of the 300-ft decline in the last mile. I'll feel fine in a minute.
Ok, in 5-6 miles I'm sure I'll feel better.
I have to pick a spring marathon. Doing one in March means I have to start training, like, now.
Wow, it seems like I just finished training for New York. And, before that, Grandma's and a high-mileage summer. And before that, Boston. And before that, Tiberias.But it's time to run a spring marathon! And I want to do Boston for fun, so I need another goal race.
It's been 6 miles, and my legs still feel like shit.
And I've had time to "just run" without training.
So why do I have to run 15 miles today?
Because I have to start training. And I don't have much time, so I have to make sure the long runs are up high enough before I start my plan.
So I'm not "just running," huh?
Hmm, I guess not.
So, even though I feel like crap, probably shouldn't be doing a long run, I'm doing one anyway. Not because I "want" to, but because I "have" to because I "have" to start training again.
Erm... I guess... I have no good answer for that. Hang on, if I just stop (again) to stretch, maybe then I'll feel better.
Let's make a deal - double digits, but not 15.
Fine. Deal. I guess I haven't really had a lot of time to "just run." An maybe the reason it's been so hard to commit to a race and a training plan is because I'm not really ready to start training again.
There will be fall marathons. The 3:10 will be there. But I have had a long year of running. I need to "just run" for a while longer.
I give the same advice to everyone else. If it's not fun, it's not worth forcing. I do feel great running lately, though.
So I can continue to feel great not training. I can give myself a break.
Hey, I'm feeling a little better now. Not 15 miles better, but I think I can manage 12.
Why 12?
Because I WANT to. Might as well take advantage of the fact that my legs feel good now!
Sounds good to me.

So, long story short. I have decided not to do a spring goal race. I'll see how I feel in a month to decide if I want to train for Boston or leave it as a fun race - probably still the latter. And I will focus on just running for now. Maybe some shorter stuff, just getting into the vibe of the new running team this winter,  And pick a kick-ass fall goal race.

I have ALSO decided, to completely throw myself into this "just running" thing, that until the first of the year, I will not be logging or tracking my runs or other workouts. I will admit that I will still wear my Garmin and record the data (because, let's be honest, it will kill me to have blanks in my training log and especially not to know how many miles I run this year), but I will not be peeking at it until Jan. 1.

And hopefully I'll be writing more :)

Tapers and races and new goals, oh my!

Today: 9 miles in 1:13:59

1. I'm in full-on taper madness. 12 days until NYCM! This means I'm overly hyper about creaks and phantom pains, keep waffling about my goal time and race strategy, and all that good stuff. Although, the more marathons I do, the less I find myself obsessing over race logistics. Maybe that has more to do with the fact that I know New York City, I'm not dealing with any unknowns travel-wise, and I know what to expect from the expo, the starting line, and the finishing line based on the fact that I've run this marathon before.

2. Although my legs aren't completely full of creaks anymore and I have felt a slight spring to my step yesterday and today, I'm still waiting for the taper to do its thing to rest up my legs while maintaining the fitness I've gained over the past 12 weeks - indeed, longer than that, if you count all the slow-ass base-building miles I've been doing since May (!!)

3. I realize I haven't posted here in a while. I've been doing a lot more journaling - like the old-fashioned, pen-to-paper kind - and that fulfills some of my "must write" outlet that this blog gives me.

4. I was told the other day (yesterday?) that I seem more "bubbly" since coming out to San Fran. I think that might be the first time anyone has used that word to describe me. I think I like it. Something about this place fits me. I really think the fresh air and the ocean and the beautiful scenery and the pace of life and the people out here settle me. I'm high-strung and OCD enough on my own; it's nice to be surrounded by that which is not.

5. Reasons why having a Ph.D. doesn't make me a genius: last night I ran errands and could only find parking on a street where cleaning this morning started at 7. So, I had to get up early to move it - it actually made for a lovely morning because I spent sunrise at the beach - and parked it back in front of my building. Great, except it's the 4th Wednesday of the month, which means, guess what? Street cleaning from 12-2. Which I have marked diligently on my calendar to remind me. Of course, it helps to look at the calendar every once in a while (and not just the day planner). I saw the ticket after my run today - $55 to the man for being an idiot.

6. I always start having my post-marathon visions of grandeur at about this stage of the taper. I'm trying not to go too overboard with my planning. I do know that a-if NYC doesn't go as planned, I won't wait until Houston for a back-up, I'll probably register for Tucson instead so I'm not training for ANOTHER 2 months. I want to do the half in Houston and have a fun weekend with friends and not a stressful one. b-I want to focus on getting back into a strength routine and leaning up before training for Boston. I bought some kettlebells that my trainer-friend Chris is going to virtually help me learn how to use. I also think I will cut back to 6 days/week running and start swimming again on the off-day. There are public pools in the city that are $3-5 to use. I also am debating starting to run with a club. There are tons here - some more social and some more serious. I think I'm at a point in my running "career" that being around runners who are better than me to really push me would be a huge help. One of my friends out here is on a woman's racing team, which she likes, and that would fill that criteria.

7. My online running friends are starting to plan their 2012 race calendar, and it's super exciting to think about next year, but it also makes my head spin a bit because I'm not 100% sure where I'm going to be or what I'm going to be doing then. I know, technically, I never KNOW, but it's kind of weird to plan without a plan. The other problem is that I'm not financially in a place to be shelling out registration fees quite yet for races a year away. I guess what I should do is map out my general running goals and then figure out which races to do. I definitely want to do a spring and a fall marathon. I'm registered for Boston, so barring a decision to run that for fun and do a smaller goal marathon, that will be spring's race. Fall - who knows? I'm tempted to do Chicago and register for back-up a few weeks later in case the weather sucks. I definitely think I can still knock off time from my marathon PR this year, but it will mean a little more "big picture" focus instead of just winging it like I did last year. Maybe 4 marathons is not the way to go.

8. If I get to run on the beach in the morning, I always see this old guy all bundled up in a hooded sweatshirt, the hood tight around his face, under a windbreaker jacket. He always says - no, yells - "good morning" when we pass each other. Even though I'm expecting it now, it still scares the shit outta me. I'm all for greeting those around me, but I'm usually not yelling. It's nice, though.

9. I will be flying to NYC a week from today. Holy crap.

Random running observation

My heart rate for my half marathon was low. Way low. Averaged 171 for a 7:08 pace, max of 178. This is my marathon pace heart rate, people.

I know, I'm getting around to realizing this a few days late, but I was kind of depressed about my 1:34 time and didn't want to look at the splits. My Garmin cradle is being wonky and will allow me to charge (thank goodness) but not to upload, and I'm just now going through my splits. But I digress...

I knew my legs were my limiting factor on Sunday, but I didn't realize by how much. I knew my cardio felt fine. I'm not really sure what this means I should do between now and NYC. Just trust the taper will get me the rest I need? Switch from wearing Kinvaras to trainers, which are kinder on my calves?

Great, one more thing to have to analyze between now and race day. And no more chances for tune-up races...

Edit: adding info about my pre-race running:
All the nitty-gritty deets are on the sidebar --->
I wouldn't call it a taper, really, but I did cut out some of the miles Pfitz wanted me to do that week. My 7-day total pre-race was around 64, after having been at 75+ for a while.

In comparison, before my PR half last December, which was also 4 weeks out from a goal marathon, my 7-day total pre-race was 60, after having been only in the high 60s/low 70s. That week looked like this:

R-14.4 MLR
F-6.4 R
S-20.8 LR
U-rest
M-10 w/ 5x600
T-10.1 R
W-6.25 R
R-6.9 R + Aussie carb load run
F-race

And as for the shoe comment: I've worn the Kinvaras during several halves this summer, all of which were disastrous because of the heat. I've also worn them on tempo runs and MP runs. I would say that I'm always aware of my calves to some extent in them, and in fact starting wearing my CEPs with them for this reason, which helps but doesn't prevent. I think the pace that feels the best in them is actually MP and not the faster paces.

Controlling tendencies

On my hellacious recovery run today (6 miles in almost an hour, don't make me go check my Garmin), on which my legs weren't exactly sore from yesterday's half but just felt like they had aged about 100 years and the wind blew the rain sideways into my face, I got thinking about how much of my life is out of control right now, but I am in control of more than I think. So, today's list comprises 6 things over which I have complete control.

1. The mood in which I wake up. It is a decision and one I make before my feet hit the ground. I can choose to be happy, crabby, lazy, motivated. Why not choose good things?

2. How I partition my day - whether that means setting a schedule or letting it be open, knowing what will help me feel the most productive and balanced (usually the former). Also choosing to focus on my tasks and close down the internet windows of distraction (FB, RWOL, etc.) Why not choose that which will make me feel good about how I spend my time?

3. What goes into my mouth and how much of it. In that vein, what I choose to buy at the store or restaurant, knowing what my triggers are, and not allowing myself to feel guilty. Why not choose what is best for my body and running while allowing myself to enjoy food?

4. Who I interact with, and why, and the conversations I need to have in order to process what's going on in my head. Why not seek out those whose advice I value, who can make me laugh, who challenge me, and who love me?

5. The running and other workouts and activities I do to not only become a better runner and meet my running goals, but to feel good inside and out. Being physical is directly linked to my mental state, as is the sleep I get and giving myself time to relax. Why not choose to take advantage of that and move my body when I need to and rest it when I need to?

6. Above all, how I react to that which I cannot control. And how I react to all the sensory inputs (too nerdy??) that could affect how I live my life. Why not allow everything to enter, but only some things to stay - those things which I can use in my control to live the life that I want to live?

The voices in my head.

Thoughts from today's run (10 in 1:24:37)

1. I love how a morning rain makes everything clean, even the sunlight.

2. I should probably slow down a bit, I want to have a strong run but I also have a half on Sunday that I want to do well in so it's a good indicator of my fitness.

3. Finding out you've been lied to has to be one of the worst feelings in the world.

4. Why is it that not even lying is simple: that the act of lying does not necessarily negate the situation and reasoning behind it? Not that it's EVER right, but it's never black and white, either.

5. Seriously, slow down, legs. Heart.

6. I think people in San Francisco have a harder time with the "walk right, pass left" concept than New Yorkers do, and they're pretty bad. That, and the inability to realize your dog doesn't consider its leash; therefore, if you're on one side of the path and the dog is on the other side with the leash extending in between, it is YOUR job, not your dog's, to solve this problem.

7. I exiled myself from Facebook in order to let my own voice be heard in my head, and not so many others. It has less to do with anyone externally and more to do with the fact that I get sucked in and it becomes a black hole of my time and energy. It's very freeing, in fact. Not that I don't find other distractions, but I have felt more productive in the last 2 days than I have in the last 2 weeks in a lot of ways. Because I'm back in control. (Although, I forgot what settings I have on here, it might automatically post to FB. In which case, if you comment on FB, I won't see it until I decide to return. So comment on the blog itself if you have something to tell me :) )

8. I've been doing really well with the no-dessert-no-weekday-drinking rule (it's actually pretty easy if you're poor), but I think the emotional eating I've been doing of late has probably counteracted all the good it's done me.

9. I didn't have this thought on my run, but later in the day, as I was walking along the beach as the sun was going down, listening to the waves and feeling them enter my soul, that all I've got is me. All I can count on is me and my own judgement and my own goals and desires. Despite everything, I don't think I've done a bad job so far - I actually trust myself to lead me in the right direction and do what I know I need to do to make me happy. That is the voice I need to reconnect with. And it feels good. Not that other people aren't involved in me listening to that voice (I'm not becoming a hermit and I do need my friends and family more than ever), but it feels good to have a lot of "me time" right now.

10. If i didn't have a half on Sunday, I probably wouldn't be done running.

Posting while hungry.

20 for today's 20 in 2:38.35

1. I am totally jazzed about my run today. It is the best MP run I can ever remember having. Ever. I averaged 7:24 for 12 miles, including my typical slow start. Splits, for those who care: 7:36, 7:26, 7:27, 7:29, 7:18, 7:20, 7:18, 7:20, 7:25, 7:21, 7:22, 7:20)

2. I wouldn't say the MP miles were comfortable, exactly - and they're certainly not supposed to be. But they felt good, in that "I'm running fast and hard but I don't want to die" kind of a way. There were even a few times I looked down and saw 6:xx on my Garmin and had to rein myself in a bit.

3. I was only supposed to do 17 miles. But I did 20. I had planned on a 2-mile cool down, but tagged on 3 extra to make it an even 20. Because of juggling with Reach the Beach and trying to get this MP run in, I had lost a 20+ run along the way. And, if I end up doing a tune-up half marathon next weekend, that blows my chance there for another long run. I'll do 22 3 weeks out as my last pre-taper run, but it's always nice to get in another 20-miler. The 12-week Pfitz program is so compact that there's not a lot of room for too many long runs, especially with all the MP workouts. For me, long runs are more a mental game than anything else, telling my body it can be out there for hours so that during the race, I know what 20 miles feels like. Granted, after 9 marathons, I've done 20+ miles a few times, but I think they're still a huge part of training.

4. I better make these list items shorter if I ever hope to get through 20.

5. I totaled up my mileage for the week: 85.7-a new PR. I don't feel like I've run if-I-round-up 90 miles. And they weren't slow miles - they included a tempo run and today's MP run. I don't know what I expected - but my legs certainly aren't ready to fall off.

6. I'm sure it helps that I can make sleep and recovery and rest a priority. 8 hours per night, making sure I'm fueling and not running around like a crazy person all day - things that I hate as a person but love as a runner.

7. On that note, I'm trying to make my days a bit more structured. A week has passed since I've landed in my San Fran nest, and it's amazing how the days just pass if I'm not careful.

8. I'm not exactly making myself a tight schedule, but I have been writing out a list of the times during the day I want to focus on the job search, on my editing gig, on internet-time-wasting, on running, on making sure I get out of the house and explore where I am. It's helped over the past couple days.

9. I'm also making it a goal to write in my journal 30 minutes first thing in the morning, as I'm drinking my coffee and eating my peanut butter toast. This was a suggestion by my mom - aren't moms the best for knowing you sometimes better than you know yourself and what will help you?

10. She suggested it when we were talking after I found out that I didn't get the job I had interviewed for out in Boston. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a devastating piece of news. I had other nibbles, it's not like I HAD to have THAT job, but rejection is rejection, even if I know academically speaking that it wasn't personal, yada yada yada.

11. It got me questioning if I'm qualified enough for the jobs I'm looking for, and how to best re-focus my search with a new angle to get my foot in the door. I haven't given up, even though part of me wanted to just say "fuck it" and apply at a running store or something, but after a few pointed career-oriented phone calls with people in the biz on Friday morning, I'm feeling re-energized and re-focused.

12. So, while it wasn't exactly a melt-down, it was definitely a "call your mother" moment. It's amazing how things can snowball from a rejection I really wasn't surprised about into finding myself thinking about the fact that I can't answer the "where do you see yourself in 5 years" question. Not even a little bit.

13. And maybe that's ok. Or maybe I have to be ok with that. There have been many times throughout my life when I thought I knew the answer to that question, and my life now certainly doesn't resemble what I thought. And I don't feel bad about that at all. So, maybe it's ok not to have the answer when the answer is meaningless, anyway.

14. I have found myself thinking a lot about my friends scattered across the country and the world. And how I'm not always the best at being in touch and keeping up on emails and phone calls and everything. I never have been, which is strange, because I've always had friends all over the place. I know part of what makes my good friends so dear to me is that we can go a long time without speaking and then once we do, it feels like no time has passed at all. But I shouldn't take that for granted and have that be the norm. It's hard for me to reach out sometimes, or to realize how much time has passed since the last email - so I'm officially apologizing and wanting to do better :)

15. I'm hungry.

16. I get to have a fancy-schmancy dinner tonight with two amazing couples and one amazing lady. I've met some pretty terrific people through running and I'm looking forward to spending the evening wining and dining and laughing!

17. Um, so, 4 more things to say. Did I mention I'm hungry?

18. Oh, my no-sweets, no-weekday-drinking thing is making the scale move in a fabulous direction. Even with a couple of cheats along the way!

19. Oh! Yesterday I got myself on the bus and trekked to Chinatown and North Beach for an afternoon of aimless wandering. I love exploring new places this way - I think after living in NYC, I realize the best way to get to know a city is to just wander. No guidebooks, no destination, just pick a neighborhood and go. I found myself in the middle of the Chinese markets, where, as in NYC, I felt like I had been transported to China. North Beach had restaurants and shops galore, and felt vibrant and happy. I see myself heading back again and again. But of course, there were other neighborhoods I saw from the bus window that also beckon! Not to mention my own little world around the apartment.

20. Ok, this is really ridiculous. I thought I could make it until dinner, but I need a snack.

My boring blog post.

I am currently planted on my friend L's futon in her UES apartment watching football and recovering from not just yesterday's festivities, but my entire crazy week. I'll recap:

1. Last weekend, I had an amazing time running the Reach the Beach relay with my awesome online running friends. We distance runners are usually so focused on our individual races that it's a real treat to be a part of a team. Even though there is so much camaraderie to be had at normal races, with the pre- and post-run get-togethers, there's such a different feeling to being part of a team. You don't want to be the member who doesn't match the effort and speed of your teammates - dropping sub-MP paces the entire 32 miles was possible only because all of my awesome teammates were doing the same.

2. We had zero idea of "how" to run this relay - no one had ever done an ultra version before, and we all basically assumed we'd be around MP due to the number of miles we all had to run - between 28 to 40. The two guys on the team happened to lead us off with some killer legs, and the ladies couldn't let them down. As each of us continued to run faster than what we thought, I think all of us were kind of waiting for the wall to come past which our sleep-deprived bodies would slow us down. And of course we did slow a bit, but not nearly as much as I was expecting. Not even close. I'm so impressed and proud of us!

3. Our final time was 23:32:33, a pace of 7:21 min/mile - 38th overall and 1st mixed ultra team! The win was truly icing on the cake - we didn't even think about it as we were running so it was a fun perk to add to our excitement after the race.

4. After the race, I stayed with my friend V and her family in lower Manhattan. It was great to hang out with her, as always, and get to know her 2-year-old son. Yes, it's possible to get to know a 2-year-old, although we're not quite up to having hear-to-hearts yet :)

5. As I was on the bus on the way to Boston for the relay, I made a phone call to one of the companies I had had a phone interview with for a west coast-based position. The company is based in Boston, so I had emailed saying I would be out East if it would be possible to arrange a face-to-face interview. I had been unsure about making the call, because I'm trying to walk the line of being assertive but not desperate, but I finally decided it couldn't hurt. I'm definitely glad I did - even though it meant having to bus back to Boston for a quick 24-hour trip. Special thanks to Sully and his roomie for letting me crash on their couch so as to avoid 2 bus trips in one calendar day.

6. Obviously I can't say much about the interview, but I think it went well. It was almost anti-climactic due to all the traveling around I had to do for it because it was pretty relaxed. They're trying to fill the position fast so hopefully I'll hear something this week!

7. Yesterday, two of my grad-school friends got married. I had such a great time celebrating this awesome couple - a couple I have known since the beginning of their relationship. The wedding was at 10:30 am, which no one had experienced before. It was a bit strange to be drinking and dancing in broad daylight, but we quickly got over it ;-) It was a great time, and a bit of a grad school reunion. In the interest of full disclosure, I invoked the "special occasion" clause of my no-sugar diet and had some wedding cake. And I don't feel guilty at all, not even a little bit.

8. The wedding and reception were in the Bronx, but the wedding hotel was in Rye, NY. Putting a bunch of Manhattanites on a party bus to Rye and then congregating them all in the hotel bar is a pretty funny scenario. Of course, it wasn't so much about the "where" as it was about the "who," so we had ourselves a good ol' time. The "where" only became important when we realized we had to, um, get home somehow. Putting a bunch of Manhattanites in Rye without first calculating the cost of car service to get back is also quite the picture.

9. In between all this traveling and partying, I have been running. This week was kind of screwed up because of the relay; I wanted to keep the miles up but I also knew I'd have to really listen to my body to give it whatever recovery it would want after the race. That meant cutting a few miles off each run in the beginning of the week, especially because my right hamstring was a bit crabby. My runs were all slowwww and, to be honest, kind of torturous. I didn't feel good, but I knew that it was only a matter of time before I'd get my legs back, and that by taking it easy and running everything at recovery pace would only shorten that time.

10. I moved my long run to Friday because of the early wedding. The chance to run in Central Park is always a motivator for me, although as I started, the 90% humidity really made it hard for me to wrap my mind around doing 20 miles. I started out slow and slogging, once again resigning myself to the fact that I wasn't totally recovered. But then, it started raining. The second half of the run was in the torrential downpour, and I loved every second of it. My legs did, too, and I was able to drop the paces into my proper MLR zone and feel great doing it. My hamstring didn't talk, and I finished soaked and renewed.

11. My Garmin cradle is being fussy and I think I have to send it in for a new one. This means I can't upload and I can't charge. I'm dreading what this means: Timex.

12. I ran 6.5 this morning. I'm supposed to get out for another 4. The couch is super comfortable though....

13. This is kind of a boring post. I guess I'm not feeling very deep or humorous today. I blame the Vikings - I was super motivated to write a blog but got about halfway through and decided to give up.

Crazy going slowly am I

19 for yesterday's 19 in 2:41.25

1. There's been a lot of chatter on my FB wall about dreading long runs. I honestly LOVE them. There is absolutely nothing like the feeling of hitting that groove where you feel like you can just run forever - and actually keep on running for (almost) ever. I was on such a high after this run - that's the high I miss when I'm not marathon training. It's a high that is different than that I get after a hard workout or a shorter, faster run. I think it's a high that just makes me feel like me.

2. This past week has been a whirlwind of activity, but it all turned out to be for the best, I think:

3. A group of my RWOL buddies are running the Reach the Beach relay next weekend. At the time they were planning, I was still abroad and couldn't commit, but it definitely made me want to run one of these relays someday. This particular relay runs 200 miles across the state of New Hampshire, taking 24+ hours to complete, and you hang out with your teammates in passenger vans in your hungry, smelly, sleep-deprived awesomeness. There are teams of 12, running 3 legs and ~15 miles total, or teams of 6, running 6 legs and ~33 miles total. In a sad twist of fate (see #4), one of my friends was no longer able to make it, and the 6-person team was down a player. I was debating flying back East, anyway, for a wedding of 2 grad school friends in NYC the following weekend, so after some deliberation and hemming and hawing, I signed up!

4. The friend whose place I'm taking cannot make it because her husband was in a terrible sky-diving accident. He's undergone several surgeries and is improving, but please keep them in your thoughts and hearts.

5. So, now I had a weekend of relay racing madness, a week "off," and then a weekend of NYC wedding madness. I'm still waiting if that week "off" will include a couple interviews, but that remains to be seen.

6. So, minor detail: from where do I fly for this trip? Do I drive to Tucson, back to my parents, and continue the job search from there after my trip? Do I fly in and out of San Fran, leave my car with my cousin, and then drive back to Tucson? Do I buy a one-way trip because I don't know when/where to return? The logistics began to give me a headache.

7. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really want to be stable for a while, at least long enough to make the job search my main focus. I have really loved being able to travel and visit people, which obviously I can continue to do, but it's not helping me focus.

8. Furthermore, job searching from Tucson makes no sense. There are exactly zero jobs I would take there. However, there are tons of jobs in the Bay Area. I can't hang out with my cousin and her family forever; I'm not willing to commit to a lease on a place on the chance that an opportunity arises outside of the area. But I want to put myself here because it is at least a place where there is a chance I end up, unlike Tucson.

9. To Craigslist I went, with the search terms "sublet/temporary rentals." I promptly found about a bazillion ads that went something like this:

Hi! I am [traveling for an internship/moving in with my bf/pissed off my roommates and got thrown out] and you can have my awesome room near [UCSF/the projects/the middle of nowhere] for [an extravagant amount of money, but it's ok because it's furnished/almost no money, what do you mean San Jose isn't in San Francisco?]. The room is great, here is a grainy, wide-lens angled photo. There is a shared EVERYTHING, but it's ok because my 12 roommates are awesome and laid-back and clean and there isn't any drama ever even though they're all 22-yo students I SWEAR. okthxbai xoxo.

10. Um, no. I am too old for the crazy-Craigslist-roomie thing.

11. But THEN I saw it - the post of my dreams - and it was love at first sight. A 1-br located 7 blocks from the beach and 2 from Golden Gate Park, being sublet for a month while its owner was traveling. Its SOLE owner.

12. After a few email conversations with said owner, we agreed I would come to see the place the following day. I left the address with my cousin and on FB, visions of the 9-o'clock news headlines dancing in my head, and drove to the apartment. The resident is the sweetest middle-aged French-Algerian woman, and we hit it off right away. Half the rent later, I was in! I have a home for October! She leaves for her trip the same day I come back from mine; she wanted a non-student, someone quiet who won't be hosting raves; she said she got "good vibes" from my email and from our meeting. She was as excited as I was. It feels SO GOOD to have a place to call "home" for a month, feel stable, and plan the next step in peace and without any time pressure.

13. The location is awesome for running. I'm especially excited about that, as it will be the month pre-NYCM, and I'll be doing that. A lot.

14. Nothing new on the job-front. I'm feeling my way around the protocol for how much follow-up is too much. Following a phone interview, if I am told they are interested in a face-to-face and they'll be in touch soon, what does "soon" mean? I sent the obligatory thank-you email and sent emails to 2 that have east coast-based offices to notify them that I'll be out there. Is no response bad? Does soon mean weeks? I have no idea.

15. Running-wise, I'm feeling great. My legs have finally awakened from their summer hibernation. I'm sure the side-effects of unemployment have helped: ample time for sleep, no days of hectic running around, not having to get up early to get the miles in, etc. Don't hate me too much, I'd much prefer being employed and stressed AND running, but I'm trying to at least look on the bright side here.

16. I am really excited to be going to NYC. Today of all days, I feel the New Yorker in me very strongly. If I didn't have this trip coming up, I'd feel almost homesick for the city. I wasn't even in NYC yet on 9/11 - I was still in college - but I still feel the solidarity of this day in that city. <3

17. I have been all kinds of excited about football this weekend. After living abroad for 2 seasons, I'm wondering how I survived. I love this game. I had to search out the Vikings game this afternoon, found myself alone at a sports bar surrounded by annoying 49er and Charger fans, and was just so giddy to be able to watch FOUR games at ONE TIME! On screens that weren't my laptop displaying whatever crappy pirated streaming broadcast I could find.

18. Tomorrow is the first day of registration for the Boston marathon. I don't know if I want that to be my goal spring race, I don't know if I can afford it, but I know I'll regret it if I can't go. What a dilemma.

19. I have had more than a couple beers and am trying to make myself run at midnight sporting my new headlamp, red blinkies, and reflective vest in order to have at least one attempt at some semblance of training for RTB. Oof.

The times, they are a-changin'

I normally don't channel Bob Dylan - not exactly my style (even though he is from MN!) - but that line popped into my head as I sat down to write. It goes along with the following quote I rediscovered on my FB profile:

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

~Alan Cohen

With all the change going on in my life, I've been thinking a lot about what it is, exactly, that I want. So, in honor of this weekend's 19-miler, a list of 19 things that I want. Some of these are things I want, like, yesterday; some are more long-term. I know "getting what you want" isn't the be-all-end-all of happiness, so I guess they can be considered general life goals - ideas of where I'd like to go in life with the understanding that things can change in a heartbeat and nothing is guaranteed. But, for me right now, these are the most tangible things I can hang onto while everything else spins around me.

19 miles in 2:35.09; 4 up, 10 @ 7:33 (~MP), 5 down

1. I'll start with the running-related stuff. The most immediate goal: sub-3:15 at NYCM in November.

2. Secret running goal? 3:0x. It would be a lot to ask for November, but it's close enough that I want it. I never thought I'd be this fast - ever. I still remember when I thought running a BQ 3:40 was like lightening speed for me. If I can do 3:15 in NYC, I'd love to focus on a 3:10 for spring.

3. On that note, I really feel my mental game is off right now, running-wise. I still don't have the confidence to be running near-7 paces for a half. I look at those times and think they're for a different runner. Not for me. I don't know if it's my emotional winter/spring, my slow summer miles, or what, but I need to switch my focus on running and be less passive about its role in my life. I always want it to be fun and a positive part of my life but not just something that I do halfway.

4. On THAT note, I've been giving a lot of thought about my diet and nutrition, and want to get things under control there. I hesitate even bringing this up, because I know I don't have to lose weight and that I already eat quite healthfully. For me, it's less about a number on a scale and more the mindless eating and sweet tooth that gets out of control that has always been something I want to control and always been something I haven't because it's hard and I no longer always want it to be there. Of course, the added benefit of being speedier by dropping a few pounds isn't a bad perk. It's two months 'till race day. I'm saying it here, out loud: bye-bye desserts (although I do reserve the right for a bite of yours here and there). In one month, I may add alcohol to the list (at least more than one of them at a time and on weekdays). Like I said, I know I don't have to do this. But, part of me feels like I need to right now. I'm not going on some crazy diet, I'm not going to cut calories to the point I can't train well - that is, after all, the number one priority - but I just need to get things under control. So, please no "you're crazy/be careful/why would you do that" comments. If you know me, you know I'm nowhere disorder-land.

5. I want to find a job. No secret there :)

6. I want to point my career in the direction I want it to go. My post-doc was something I did because I know it wouldn't hurt me - it gave me more lab experience and publications, so it did, in fact, help me - and because it got me to the place I wanted to be at the time. I don't regret it, but it makes me realize how much I want the next job decision to be about what is best for me. That includes location, but more so in the vein of putting myself in a good place for job AND life opportunities. I can't be in a place with only one biotech company in a 200-mile radius. Both career-wise and socially, I need to be in a vibrant place with lots of choices and places to potentially be. Having been in a place where I had nearly zero options other than what I was doing at the time was exhausting, and trying to switch paths in such an environment would be nearly impossible.

7. I want to be able to be passionate about what I do, but also not have it control my life and dictate the kind of lifestyle I want. That is, "work to live" rather than "live to work."

8. I don't want to settle just because I'm impatient about finding a job.

9. I want to be financially secure. I have been poor for-ev-er. I have amazing parents who will make sure I am never in trouble, but it is tiring to have to worry about it. I am looking at my ever-diminishing savings and hate that it may dictate when I have to drive myself to Tucson to stay with them. I am probably even less fiscally responsible than I should be, but traveling will always be a weakness of mine. I'm not buying shoes or purses or designer jeans; I don't even dream about a fancy car or a huge house. Just let me travel. And eat well along the way.

10. I want to surround myself with people I love. I can very easily pull into myself and pretend I'm ok not reaching out and being a hermit. But this traveling and constant presence of friends and family reminded me that my soul needs those relationships. I want to be in a place where those relationships exist and can be nurtured. And I never want to take them for granted.

11. Speaking of relationships. I have been lucky enough to have spent each and every one of my visits with amazing couples at different stages of their relationships. Couples who love each other and have amazing dynamics; who have been through the best and the worst together and look at each other like no one else exists. It is heartwarming to witness this. Yeah, I want this. I am ready for this.

12. I want to be better at telling the people in my life that I love and cherish them. This is probably a function of that same "pulling into myself" characteristic - the "opening up and being vulnerable" thing has never been a strong point of mine and certainly didn't help in my last relationship. I will start now: to everyone reading this, you have touched my life in a way that I am eternally grateful for, be it big or small, and I love you for that.

13. I want to find a better balance in my life between living for the moment and dreaming about the future. Between instant and delayed gratification. I usually find myself wanting the things I want RIGHT NOW, instead of enjoying and learning from the journey that brings me to them. Maybe I want things to be too easy.

14. I want to always remember what I said before: that things can change in a heartbeat and nothing is guaranteed. It was a shock to learn this the hard way.

15-19. I'm not sure I can do 5 more on this list, after all. They would be sort of inane things, anyway, like cutting down computer time (ha!) and reading more for fun (which I could do with less computer time) and blogging more (trying!).

The 13 reasons I have apparently failed at blogging lately, which are 13 of the reasons I should have been writing all along.

For today’s 13 in 1:48.54. I will resume with humor in the next post :)

1.     I have been homeless since August 3^rd and travelling as follows: MN-MKE-CHI-MAD-SD-COL-UT-NV-CA.

2.     All that time on the road leaves little time for blogging, although plenty of time to confront each and every one of my thoughts from every angle. I thought I would journal and write about my trip more, but the self-therapy by just meditating on the open road seems to have taken the place of pen-to-paper (or fingers-to-keyboard).

3.     Every time I sit at the computer, it’s to edit or to job search. These are basically never-ending tasks, so the blogging gets put aside because there are so many other things I could be doing that are seemingly more productive.

4.     When I have had spare time, I have really tried to be focused on the people and places around me, rather than blogging about it. I have reconnected with so many people, friends and family alike, and I’ve cherished the quality face-time I’ve had with people all along my travels.

5.     I have finally embraced this opportunity to travel and visit so many people. It’s hard for me, being such a planner, to not know when the end-point is, when I’ll get a job and exit this limbo stage, but I am appreciating it. The hardest thing about my mobility has been realizing how much I want to be still. It’s hard moving through other peoples’ lives when I don’t have a home base.

6.     I’ve been thinking about what I would want in an ideal world, and there are so many contradictory answers to that question. There are so many people and opportunities in so many different places that I can’t have everything I want. It’s hard to know what the most important pieces are sometimes.

7.     I sometimes wish that I didn’t have such a blank slate when it comes to my future. It’s almost as if I need someone to narrow it down for me, and then I’d be able to make a decision. Like “you will move back to NYC” or “you will try to live out West” or something. I think I get overwhelmed even knowing where to start.

8.     I had an epiphany somewhere in between Bumblefuck and Nowhere, Nevada. I forgive Ron, and the moment I realized that, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, a weight I didn’t even know was there. I could actually physically feel it.

9.     Is it possible to want to be with someone and not know how?

10. The list of people I miss is growing ever-longer. Above all, I think that is the hardest part of this journey and the part that I want to change by finding a place to be.

11. Has anyone actually ever enjoyed a job-searching process? It is consuming my time and energy, and it is just so hard. Not that I expected it to be fun and easy, but I just feel like I’m treading water while someone who thinks they’re drowning is trying to climb on me and pull me under.

12. On to the subject at hand: running at sea level in perfectly perfect temperatures is heavenly compared to the heat and humidity of the Midwest and the elevation of the Colorado mountains. Not that I acclimated to the altitude by any means, but dropping back down made me remember what it feels like to actually run instead of slog. I am easily running a minute per mile faster here at the same effort level.

13. I have been blessed with so many wonderful people in my life, and I have been touched at so many points along this journey by this fact. It has truly made me not crumble to pieces and become overwhelmed to the point of insanity. Even people I don’t talk to often or haven’t seen along the way. I am lucky.

Where did that week go?

1.  I had big plans to do an "80 for 80" post to celebrate my 80-mile week last week. Then, my Saturday post-run got all crazy-like and I didn't get around to it. It actually wasn't going to be as epic as it sounds - item 1 would have been "I ran 81 miles this week and feel great," items 2-40 would have been "I'm tired" and items 41-80 would have been "I'm hungry."

2. So, now it's another week. I am running a half marathon on Saturday in Red Wing. I really want to race it, but the weather might have other plans. I am, however, giving myself a chance and doing a major cut-back week this week. I'll maybe hit 55 miles, including the race, if I'm lucky. But, except for the recovery week post-Grandma's, I've hit 60+ every week since the end of May. Time for a 2-week lull before jumping into the training plan for NYCM.

3. In t-minus 8 days (who's counting? This girl. I'm always counting) I will be a nomad. My oh-so-concrete plan looks something like: MN-Milwaukee-Chicago (Lolla!!) - ?? - Colorado??? - ?? - San Francisco?? - Arizona??? So, um, yeah - my friends in Colorado and Cali will be getting FB messages about my upcoming Western tour (look for a '92 Camry near you). I'm not sure I'll be able to get rid of those question marks, even though they are taunting me. I am trying to embrace the freedom. It is admittedly not easy.

4. I am working with recruiters to find a job. I am to the point where I'm just kind of waiting for emails and phone calls and I'm going crazy. I've been doing some searching on my own, but I can't just send out resumes willy-nilly if I also want to work with recruiters. So, even if I find something on my own, I still have to wait for a recruiter because I have to contact them to make sure they don't have any contacts at the company with the job posting, then wait for them to respond, yada yada yada. I like being proactive, so yet another thing taunting me right now. But, I know that in the long run, it will be faster and easier to work with them, so I suppose I will be patient.

5. Oh yeah, I ran today. 6.25 in 58:27. Nice and easy, recovery-style. I'll do another 3-4 this evening. I absolutely adore double recovery days. I wasn't sure I would, but I am head-over-heels in love with them. Two runs to flush out soreness and tightness, plus sneaking in a 10-mile day without having to run 10 miles? Awesome.

6. I went with one of my dear hs friends to see U2 on Saturday. We stood for 8 hours, it poured rain, we had to deal with miserable public transportation afterward (seriously, Metro Transit, two words: bus lane. Another few words: an empty train should not depart the station when a bus-full of very tired, wet, crabby riders, who have been standing on said bus for over an hour, arrives. If it does depart, it should be because there is one immediately - not over a half hour - behind it to transport the hundreds of people waiting), but it was still one of the most awesome things I have ever experienced.

6.25. Does anyone want to pack up all my shit for me in the next 8 days?

Resurfacing.

After a bit (!!) of a hiatus, I find myself needing to restart this ol' blog of mine. In part because training for Boston starts this week. And, in part, because this transitional phase of my life means there are plenty of thoughts swimming about in my head, and they need a place to land sometimes. I think this blog will be much more of a run-and-life blog now than a running blog. Although, I suppose at the end it's all the same, because as many runners can verify, most of these random thoughts and life realizations and epiphanies solidify from the ether on runs.

Running has become, in a way, my control point and foundation from the otherwise unfamiliar world I am in. I realize this could sound unhealthy in many ways, but I really do think it is helping me feel like myself, despite being in an unfamiliar country, with an unfamiliar language, getting used to an unfamiliar job after being an expert in my old one, driving on unfamiliar roads... It certainly is a shock to the system to go from complete routine and familiarity to the complete opposite. I can't even call it stress. Overwhelmed would be the most accurate description of my status quo. There are two times in the day I feel like ME: when I'm on a run or when I'm R's arms. The former has been there for me during all the stressful times in the past 5 years and is my proactive way of beating into submission any doubts or fears I have that this is going to work. Because it was on runs in NYC that I gained the courage to make the move and take this giant step. The latter is the symbol of why this is all worth it - the relationship with R we have dreamed of and worked for over the distance for so long.

So, it is with perfect timing I have chosen to train for a spring marathon: not only does my life need that constant right now, but I couldn't have chosen better climes in which to train. After a couple weeks of adjusting rest days, long run days and the alarm clock, I now find myself arising before the sun to run before work/Ulpan. This task is made exponentially easier by the fact that I am not forcing myself out into the winters to which I am accustomed. Instead, I don shorts and a long sleeved t-shirt and step out onto trails in the mountains outside Jerusalem. Every morning, as the sun rises, I find myself in breathtaking beauty. Every day the mountains are in a different mood. Sometimes dark and damp, other times misty and mysterious, other times bright and brilliant. Always magical. There has been a point on every run on my usual weekday routes where I round a corner to find a view that absolutely takes my breath away. Anticipating these moments as I'm tying my shoes and drinking my coffee makes the early morning alarms that much easier to bear.

I'll leave the technical aspects to my upcoming plan for another post. I am still, Type A(nal) that I am, still tracking mileage and times (even though the hills depressingly affect my times - although hopefully they will only help my Boston time and the shape of my legs) on my trusty Excel spreadsheet. Things have fluctuated a bit more than I would have normally liked heading into a training plan, but I still have managed to stay above 40 mpw. No matter, though - the mileage and training is now secondary to the fact that now, more than ever, it is my soul benefitting from the running.