On my hellacious recovery run today (6 miles in almost an hour, don't make me go check my Garmin), on which my legs weren't exactly sore from yesterday's half but just felt like they had aged about 100 years and the wind blew the rain sideways into my face, I got thinking about how much of my life is out of control right now, but I am in control of more than I think. So, today's list comprises 6 things over which I have complete control.
1. The mood in which I wake up. It is a decision and one I make before my feet hit the ground. I can choose to be happy, crabby, lazy, motivated. Why not choose good things?
2. How I partition my day - whether that means setting a schedule or letting it be open, knowing what will help me feel the most productive and balanced (usually the former). Also choosing to focus on my tasks and close down the internet windows of distraction (FB, RWOL, etc.) Why not choose that which will make me feel good about how I spend my time?
3. What goes into my mouth and how much of it. In that vein, what I choose to buy at the store or restaurant, knowing what my triggers are, and not allowing myself to feel guilty. Why not choose what is best for my body and running while allowing myself to enjoy food?
4. Who I interact with, and why, and the conversations I need to have in order to process what's going on in my head. Why not seek out those whose advice I value, who can make me laugh, who challenge me, and who love me?
5. The running and other workouts and activities I do to not only become a better runner and meet my running goals, but to feel good inside and out. Being physical is directly linked to my mental state, as is the sleep I get and giving myself time to relax. Why not choose to take advantage of that and move my body when I need to and rest it when I need to?
6. Above all, how I react to that which I cannot control. And how I react to all the sensory inputs (too nerdy??) that could affect how I live my life. Why not allow everything to enter, but only some things to stay - those things which I can use in my control to live the life that I want to live?
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, October 10, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
The voices in my head.
Thoughts from today's run (10 in 1:24:37)
1. I love how a morning rain makes everything clean, even the sunlight.
2. I should probably slow down a bit, I want to have a strong run but I also have a half on Sunday that I want to do well in so it's a good indicator of my fitness.
3. Finding out you've been lied to has to be one of the worst feelings in the world.
4. Why is it that not even lying is simple: that the act of lying does not necessarily negate the situation and reasoning behind it? Not that it's EVER right, but it's never black and white, either.
5. Seriously, slow down, legs. Heart.
6. I think people in San Francisco have a harder time with the "walk right, pass left" concept than New Yorkers do, and they're pretty bad. That, and the inability to realize your dog doesn't consider its leash; therefore, if you're on one side of the path and the dog is on the other side with the leash extending in between, it is YOUR job, not your dog's, to solve this problem.
7. I exiled myself from Facebook in order to let my own voice be heard in my head, and not so many others. It has less to do with anyone externally and more to do with the fact that I get sucked in and it becomes a black hole of my time and energy. It's very freeing, in fact. Not that I don't find other distractions, but I have felt more productive in the last 2 days than I have in the last 2 weeks in a lot of ways. Because I'm back in control. (Although, I forgot what settings I have on here, it might automatically post to FB. In which case, if you comment on FB, I won't see it until I decide to return. So comment on the blog itself if you have something to tell me :) )
8. I've been doing really well with the no-dessert-no-weekday-drinking rule (it's actually pretty easy if you're poor), but I think the emotional eating I've been doing of late has probably counteracted all the good it's done me.
9. I didn't have this thought on my run, but later in the day, as I was walking along the beach as the sun was going down, listening to the waves and feeling them enter my soul, that all I've got is me. All I can count on is me and my own judgement and my own goals and desires. Despite everything, I don't think I've done a bad job so far - I actually trust myself to lead me in the right direction and do what I know I need to do to make me happy. That is the voice I need to reconnect with. And it feels good. Not that other people aren't involved in me listening to that voice (I'm not becoming a hermit and I do need my friends and family more than ever), but it feels good to have a lot of "me time" right now.
10. If i didn't have a half on Sunday, I probably wouldn't be done running.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
My boring blog post.
I am currently planted on my friend L's futon in her UES apartment watching football and recovering from not just yesterday's festivities, but my entire crazy week. I'll recap:
1. Last weekend, I had an amazing time running the Reach the Beach relay with my awesome online running friends. We distance runners are usually so focused on our individual races that it's a real treat to be a part of a team. Even though there is so much camaraderie to be had at normal races, with the pre- and post-run get-togethers, there's such a different feeling to being part of a team. You don't want to be the member who doesn't match the effort and speed of your teammates - dropping sub-MP paces the entire 32 miles was possible only because all of my awesome teammates were doing the same.
2. We had zero idea of "how" to run this relay - no one had ever done an ultra version before, and we all basically assumed we'd be around MP due to the number of miles we all had to run - between 28 to 40. The two guys on the team happened to lead us off with some killer legs, and the ladies couldn't let them down. As each of us continued to run faster than what we thought, I think all of us were kind of waiting for the wall to come past which our sleep-deprived bodies would slow us down. And of course we did slow a bit, but not nearly as much as I was expecting. Not even close. I'm so impressed and proud of us!
3. Our final time was 23:32:33, a pace of 7:21 min/mile - 38th overall and 1st mixed ultra team! The win was truly icing on the cake - we didn't even think about it as we were running so it was a fun perk to add to our excitement after the race.
4. After the race, I stayed with my friend V and her family in lower Manhattan. It was great to hang out with her, as always, and get to know her 2-year-old son. Yes, it's possible to get to know a 2-year-old, although we're not quite up to having hear-to-hearts yet :)
5. As I was on the bus on the way to Boston for the relay, I made a phone call to one of the companies I had had a phone interview with for a west coast-based position. The company is based in Boston, so I had emailed saying I would be out East if it would be possible to arrange a face-to-face interview. I had been unsure about making the call, because I'm trying to walk the line of being assertive but not desperate, but I finally decided it couldn't hurt. I'm definitely glad I did - even though it meant having to bus back to Boston for a quick 24-hour trip. Special thanks to Sully and his roomie for letting me crash on their couch so as to avoid 2 bus trips in one calendar day.
6. Obviously I can't say much about the interview, but I think it went well. It was almost anti-climactic due to all the traveling around I had to do for it because it was pretty relaxed. They're trying to fill the position fast so hopefully I'll hear something this week!
7. Yesterday, two of my grad-school friends got married. I had such a great time celebrating this awesome couple - a couple I have known since the beginning of their relationship. The wedding was at 10:30 am, which no one had experienced before. It was a bit strange to be drinking and dancing in broad daylight, but we quickly got over it ;-) It was a great time, and a bit of a grad school reunion. In the interest of full disclosure, I invoked the "special occasion" clause of my no-sugar diet and had some wedding cake. And I don't feel guilty at all, not even a little bit.
8. The wedding and reception were in the Bronx, but the wedding hotel was in Rye, NY. Putting a bunch of Manhattanites on a party bus to Rye and then congregating them all in the hotel bar is a pretty funny scenario. Of course, it wasn't so much about the "where" as it was about the "who," so we had ourselves a good ol' time. The "where" only became important when we realized we had to, um, get home somehow. Putting a bunch of Manhattanites in Rye without first calculating the cost of car service to get back is also quite the picture.
9. In between all this traveling and partying, I have been running. This week was kind of screwed up because of the relay; I wanted to keep the miles up but I also knew I'd have to really listen to my body to give it whatever recovery it would want after the race. That meant cutting a few miles off each run in the beginning of the week, especially because my right hamstring was a bit crabby. My runs were all slowwww and, to be honest, kind of torturous. I didn't feel good, but I knew that it was only a matter of time before I'd get my legs back, and that by taking it easy and running everything at recovery pace would only shorten that time.
10. I moved my long run to Friday because of the early wedding. The chance to run in Central Park is always a motivator for me, although as I started, the 90% humidity really made it hard for me to wrap my mind around doing 20 miles. I started out slow and slogging, once again resigning myself to the fact that I wasn't totally recovered. But then, it started raining. The second half of the run was in the torrential downpour, and I loved every second of it. My legs did, too, and I was able to drop the paces into my proper MLR zone and feel great doing it. My hamstring didn't talk, and I finished soaked and renewed.
11. My Garmin cradle is being fussy and I think I have to send it in for a new one. This means I can't upload and I can't charge. I'm dreading what this means: Timex.
12. I ran 6.5 this morning. I'm supposed to get out for another 4. The couch is super comfortable though....
13. This is kind of a boring post. I guess I'm not feeling very deep or humorous today. I blame the Vikings - I was super motivated to write a blog but got about halfway through and decided to give up.
1. Last weekend, I had an amazing time running the Reach the Beach relay with my awesome online running friends. We distance runners are usually so focused on our individual races that it's a real treat to be a part of a team. Even though there is so much camaraderie to be had at normal races, with the pre- and post-run get-togethers, there's such a different feeling to being part of a team. You don't want to be the member who doesn't match the effort and speed of your teammates - dropping sub-MP paces the entire 32 miles was possible only because all of my awesome teammates were doing the same.
2. We had zero idea of "how" to run this relay - no one had ever done an ultra version before, and we all basically assumed we'd be around MP due to the number of miles we all had to run - between 28 to 40. The two guys on the team happened to lead us off with some killer legs, and the ladies couldn't let them down. As each of us continued to run faster than what we thought, I think all of us were kind of waiting for the wall to come past which our sleep-deprived bodies would slow us down. And of course we did slow a bit, but not nearly as much as I was expecting. Not even close. I'm so impressed and proud of us!
3. Our final time was 23:32:33, a pace of 7:21 min/mile - 38th overall and 1st mixed ultra team! The win was truly icing on the cake - we didn't even think about it as we were running so it was a fun perk to add to our excitement after the race.
4. After the race, I stayed with my friend V and her family in lower Manhattan. It was great to hang out with her, as always, and get to know her 2-year-old son. Yes, it's possible to get to know a 2-year-old, although we're not quite up to having hear-to-hearts yet :)
5. As I was on the bus on the way to Boston for the relay, I made a phone call to one of the companies I had had a phone interview with for a west coast-based position. The company is based in Boston, so I had emailed saying I would be out East if it would be possible to arrange a face-to-face interview. I had been unsure about making the call, because I'm trying to walk the line of being assertive but not desperate, but I finally decided it couldn't hurt. I'm definitely glad I did - even though it meant having to bus back to Boston for a quick 24-hour trip. Special thanks to Sully and his roomie for letting me crash on their couch so as to avoid 2 bus trips in one calendar day.
6. Obviously I can't say much about the interview, but I think it went well. It was almost anti-climactic due to all the traveling around I had to do for it because it was pretty relaxed. They're trying to fill the position fast so hopefully I'll hear something this week!
7. Yesterday, two of my grad-school friends got married. I had such a great time celebrating this awesome couple - a couple I have known since the beginning of their relationship. The wedding was at 10:30 am, which no one had experienced before. It was a bit strange to be drinking and dancing in broad daylight, but we quickly got over it ;-) It was a great time, and a bit of a grad school reunion. In the interest of full disclosure, I invoked the "special occasion" clause of my no-sugar diet and had some wedding cake. And I don't feel guilty at all, not even a little bit.
8. The wedding and reception were in the Bronx, but the wedding hotel was in Rye, NY. Putting a bunch of Manhattanites on a party bus to Rye and then congregating them all in the hotel bar is a pretty funny scenario. Of course, it wasn't so much about the "where" as it was about the "who," so we had ourselves a good ol' time. The "where" only became important when we realized we had to, um, get home somehow. Putting a bunch of Manhattanites in Rye without first calculating the cost of car service to get back is also quite the picture.
9. In between all this traveling and partying, I have been running. This week was kind of screwed up because of the relay; I wanted to keep the miles up but I also knew I'd have to really listen to my body to give it whatever recovery it would want after the race. That meant cutting a few miles off each run in the beginning of the week, especially because my right hamstring was a bit crabby. My runs were all slowwww and, to be honest, kind of torturous. I didn't feel good, but I knew that it was only a matter of time before I'd get my legs back, and that by taking it easy and running everything at recovery pace would only shorten that time.
10. I moved my long run to Friday because of the early wedding. The chance to run in Central Park is always a motivator for me, although as I started, the 90% humidity really made it hard for me to wrap my mind around doing 20 miles. I started out slow and slogging, once again resigning myself to the fact that I wasn't totally recovered. But then, it started raining. The second half of the run was in the torrential downpour, and I loved every second of it. My legs did, too, and I was able to drop the paces into my proper MLR zone and feel great doing it. My hamstring didn't talk, and I finished soaked and renewed.
11. My Garmin cradle is being fussy and I think I have to send it in for a new one. This means I can't upload and I can't charge. I'm dreading what this means: Timex.
12. I ran 6.5 this morning. I'm supposed to get out for another 4. The couch is super comfortable though....
13. This is kind of a boring post. I guess I'm not feeling very deep or humorous today. I blame the Vikings - I was super motivated to write a blog but got about halfway through and decided to give up.
Monday, September 5, 2011
The times, they are a-changin'
I normally don't channel Bob Dylan - not exactly my style (even though he is from MN!) - but that line popped into my head as I sat down to write. It goes along with the following quote I rediscovered on my FB profile:
It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
~Alan Cohen
With all the change going on in my life, I've been thinking a lot about what it is, exactly, that I want. So, in honor of this weekend's 19-miler, a list of 19 things that I want. Some of these are things I want, like, yesterday; some are more long-term. I know "getting what you want" isn't the be-all-end-all of happiness, so I guess they can be considered general life goals - ideas of where I'd like to go in life with the understanding that things can change in a heartbeat and nothing is guaranteed. But, for me right now, these are the most tangible things I can hang onto while everything else spins around me.
19 miles in 2:35.09; 4 up, 10 @ 7:33 (~MP), 5 down
1. I'll start with the running-related stuff. The most immediate goal: sub-3:15 at NYCM in November.
2. Secret running goal? 3:0x. It would be a lot to ask for November, but it's close enough that I want it. I never thought I'd be this fast - ever. I still remember when I thought running a BQ 3:40 was like lightening speed for me. If I can do 3:15 in NYC, I'd love to focus on a 3:10 for spring.
3. On that note, I really feel my mental game is off right now, running-wise. I still don't have the confidence to be running near-7 paces for a half. I look at those times and think they're for a different runner. Not for me. I don't know if it's my emotional winter/spring, my slow summer miles, or what, but I need to switch my focus on running and be less passive about its role in my life. I always want it to be fun and a positive part of my life but not just something that I do halfway.
4. On THAT note, I've been giving a lot of thought about my diet and nutrition, and want to get things under control there. I hesitate even bringing this up, because I know I don't have to lose weight and that I already eat quite healthfully. For me, it's less about a number on a scale and more the mindless eating and sweet tooth that gets out of control that has always been something I want to control and always been something I haven't because it's hard and I no longer always want it to be there. Of course, the added benefit of being speedier by dropping a few pounds isn't a bad perk. It's two months 'till race day. I'm saying it here, out loud: bye-bye desserts (although I do reserve the right for a bite of yours here and there). In one month, I may add alcohol to the list (at least more than one of them at a time and on weekdays). Like I said, I know I don't have to do this. But, part of me feels like I need to right now. I'm not going on some crazy diet, I'm not going to cut calories to the point I can't train well - that is, after all, the number one priority - but I just need to get things under control. So, please no "you're crazy/be careful/why would you do that" comments. If you know me, you know I'm nowhere disorder-land.
5. I want to find a job. No secret there :)
6. I want to point my career in the direction I want it to go. My post-doc was something I did because I know it wouldn't hurt me - it gave me more lab experience and publications, so it did, in fact, help me - and because it got me to the place I wanted to be at the time. I don't regret it, but it makes me realize how much I want the next job decision to be about what is best for me. That includes location, but more so in the vein of putting myself in a good place for job AND life opportunities. I can't be in a place with only one biotech company in a 200-mile radius. Both career-wise and socially, I need to be in a vibrant place with lots of choices and places to potentially be. Having been in a place where I had nearly zero options other than what I was doing at the time was exhausting, and trying to switch paths in such an environment would be nearly impossible.
7. I want to be able to be passionate about what I do, but also not have it control my life and dictate the kind of lifestyle I want. That is, "work to live" rather than "live to work."
8. I don't want to settle just because I'm impatient about finding a job.
9. I want to be financially secure. I have been poor for-ev-er. I have amazing parents who will make sure I am never in trouble, but it is tiring to have to worry about it. I am looking at my ever-diminishing savings and hate that it may dictate when I have to drive myself to Tucson to stay with them. I am probably even less fiscally responsible than I should be, but traveling will always be a weakness of mine. I'm not buying shoes or purses or designer jeans; I don't even dream about a fancy car or a huge house. Just let me travel. And eat well along the way.
10. I want to surround myself with people I love. I can very easily pull into myself and pretend I'm ok not reaching out and being a hermit. But this traveling and constant presence of friends and family reminded me that my soul needs those relationships. I want to be in a place where those relationships exist and can be nurtured. And I never want to take them for granted.
11. Speaking of relationships. I have been lucky enough to have spent each and every one of my visits with amazing couples at different stages of their relationships. Couples who love each other and have amazing dynamics; who have been through the best and the worst together and look at each other like no one else exists. It is heartwarming to witness this. Yeah, I want this. I am ready for this.
12. I want to be better at telling the people in my life that I love and cherish them. This is probably a function of that same "pulling into myself" characteristic - the "opening up and being vulnerable" thing has never been a strong point of mine and certainly didn't help in my last relationship. I will start now: to everyone reading this, you have touched my life in a way that I am eternally grateful for, be it big or small, and I love you for that.
13. I want to find a better balance in my life between living for the moment and dreaming about the future. Between instant and delayed gratification. I usually find myself wanting the things I want RIGHT NOW, instead of enjoying and learning from the journey that brings me to them. Maybe I want things to be too easy.
14. I want to always remember what I said before: that things can change in a heartbeat and nothing is guaranteed. It was a shock to learn this the hard way.
15-19. I'm not sure I can do 5 more on this list, after all. They would be sort of inane things, anyway, like cutting down computer time (ha!) and reading more for fun (which I could do with less computer time) and blogging more (trying!).
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