6 for 6

6 for today's easy 6 in 57:05

1. I am writing this from my balcony, where I am sitting in a cozy chair in a bikini top and floppy sun hat. The sun is hot, the breeze is cool, I can see the ocean, and it's days like this that make me have to pinch myself to realize that I'm here, that I'm here because I want to be and for no other reason, and that makes me happy. I told my mom the other day that on each of my runs, I still have a moment that takes my breath away, be it a view or a passing "I'm lucky to be here thought." I hope I never lose the ability to count my blessings.

2. I normally go long on Saturdays, but I'm doing the Kaiser Permanente half marathon tomorrow, so I still have one more hard workout this week. I won't be racing it, but rather doing it as a MP run. I'll do approximately 3 miles to warm up, then do the race in 1:35 (7:14 pace). This race is right in my backyard, on the roads I run nearly every day, so it will be a fun way to get in my first official MP run of the training cycle. It is actually an ideal course for a PR race, but as I mentioned last time, that's not what I need right now in my training.

3. Even though I still have one more workout to go this week, I have felt really great all week long. I think I'll be able to bump up the mileage a bit next week while keeping the same amount of quality runs. I think increasing the mileage and holding it steady for a few weeks is letting me adapt to the addition of some intense workouts. Hopefully this will continue over the upcoming weeks as the long runs get longer.

4. On Thursday, I'll be heading to Cancun with some of my best girlfriends for a long weekend. I will have to do some adjusting, but I don't think I'm going to be able to avoid a long run while I'm there. This will probably mean heading to the treadmill in the fitness center of the resort, as I'm not really sure I should be trying to run 20 miles along a highway in Mexico. It's crazy to think that Mexico is now on the "do not run in strange places alone" list, but I'd rather load up my iPod with episodes of This American Life and Marathon Times podcasts than be looking over my shoulder for 20 miles. Unless, of course, anyone has recently been to Cancun and can suggest a good running route :) Of course, once I get there, I may be able to find a little loop around the grounds of the resort to run around millions of times. (Note to the girls: I'll wake up early enough and won't let the run lessen my fun the night before, so you won't even know I've done it. This is vacation, after all, and I'd rather have a crappy run than give up any fun!)

5. Ok, males (and anyone else who doesn't want to hear girl-talk), skip to #6 (and don't say I didn't warn you). Since Houston, I've been really diligent about counting calories and trying to get my diet back in check. And the scale Has. NOT. Budged. And it's super frustrating because it makes me want to just give up. I had an epiphany the other day: that the time over which I've seen the scale creep up coincides exactly with a change in my birth control pill prescription. And sure enough, this week I'm on the placebo, and I dropped a good 5 pounds almost overnight! Holy crap! I have an appointment on Monday to get a new prescription, and I hope I can go back to something without this terrible side effect. I've been on several pills and this is the first time I've had to deal with weight gain. Any other ladies have this problem? How annoying is that? My clothes really aren't fitting any differently, but I'd rather not have to carry around the extra pounds on my runs, especially when I'm trying to lean up and slim down. Stoopid hormones.

6. Ok, welcome back males. Looking back on the goals I set for myself this week, I realize I should recap if I met them or not!
~ Nailing Tuesday's workout of 1200 m repeats at 10 K pace. That's about 6:30 for me, so I will just focus on not going out too fast so I can complete all the reps.* Met and then some! I was stoked about this workout! I hit splits at 5:01 (6:32 pace); 5:00 (6:28); 4:53 (6:21); 4:55 (6:22); 4:58 (6:28); 4:52 (6:21). And I felt fantastic - for as bad as I felt last week, I felt awesome during this workout. Hoo-yah!
~ I missed swimming last week. One good swim session, probably on Thursday night.
* Swam on Wednesday afternoon for 45 mins (2300 yds).
~ More kettlebell! Well, strength in general.
* Did one core session, two leg-heavy strength sessions, and three KB sessions. I really feel the difference on my when I get these workouts in.~ 8 hours of sleep per night. Which means getting over the "guilt" factor of sleeping in a bit. I freelance and work from home, why do I need to get up at 6:00 if I know I can't get my butt to bed before 22:00? Once a night owl...* Erm. Fail. 6-7 hours each night. But I am working on this!
~ One mid-week blog post in my old "list" format.
* Just in under the wire with today's post.

I'll be back tomorrow or Monday with a full recap of the week!

Controlling tendencies

On my hellacious recovery run today (6 miles in almost an hour, don't make me go check my Garmin), on which my legs weren't exactly sore from yesterday's half but just felt like they had aged about 100 years and the wind blew the rain sideways into my face, I got thinking about how much of my life is out of control right now, but I am in control of more than I think. So, today's list comprises 6 things over which I have complete control.

1. The mood in which I wake up. It is a decision and one I make before my feet hit the ground. I can choose to be happy, crabby, lazy, motivated. Why not choose good things?

2. How I partition my day - whether that means setting a schedule or letting it be open, knowing what will help me feel the most productive and balanced (usually the former). Also choosing to focus on my tasks and close down the internet windows of distraction (FB, RWOL, etc.) Why not choose that which will make me feel good about how I spend my time?

3. What goes into my mouth and how much of it. In that vein, what I choose to buy at the store or restaurant, knowing what my triggers are, and not allowing myself to feel guilty. Why not choose what is best for my body and running while allowing myself to enjoy food?

4. Who I interact with, and why, and the conversations I need to have in order to process what's going on in my head. Why not seek out those whose advice I value, who can make me laugh, who challenge me, and who love me?

5. The running and other workouts and activities I do to not only become a better runner and meet my running goals, but to feel good inside and out. Being physical is directly linked to my mental state, as is the sleep I get and giving myself time to relax. Why not choose to take advantage of that and move my body when I need to and rest it when I need to?

6. Above all, how I react to that which I cannot control. And how I react to all the sensory inputs (too nerdy??) that could affect how I live my life. Why not allow everything to enter, but only some things to stay - those things which I can use in my control to live the life that I want to live?

The times, they are a-changin'

I normally don't channel Bob Dylan - not exactly my style (even though he is from MN!) - but that line popped into my head as I sat down to write. It goes along with the following quote I rediscovered on my FB profile:

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

~Alan Cohen

With all the change going on in my life, I've been thinking a lot about what it is, exactly, that I want. So, in honor of this weekend's 19-miler, a list of 19 things that I want. Some of these are things I want, like, yesterday; some are more long-term. I know "getting what you want" isn't the be-all-end-all of happiness, so I guess they can be considered general life goals - ideas of where I'd like to go in life with the understanding that things can change in a heartbeat and nothing is guaranteed. But, for me right now, these are the most tangible things I can hang onto while everything else spins around me.

19 miles in 2:35.09; 4 up, 10 @ 7:33 (~MP), 5 down

1. I'll start with the running-related stuff. The most immediate goal: sub-3:15 at NYCM in November.

2. Secret running goal? 3:0x. It would be a lot to ask for November, but it's close enough that I want it. I never thought I'd be this fast - ever. I still remember when I thought running a BQ 3:40 was like lightening speed for me. If I can do 3:15 in NYC, I'd love to focus on a 3:10 for spring.

3. On that note, I really feel my mental game is off right now, running-wise. I still don't have the confidence to be running near-7 paces for a half. I look at those times and think they're for a different runner. Not for me. I don't know if it's my emotional winter/spring, my slow summer miles, or what, but I need to switch my focus on running and be less passive about its role in my life. I always want it to be fun and a positive part of my life but not just something that I do halfway.

4. On THAT note, I've been giving a lot of thought about my diet and nutrition, and want to get things under control there. I hesitate even bringing this up, because I know I don't have to lose weight and that I already eat quite healthfully. For me, it's less about a number on a scale and more the mindless eating and sweet tooth that gets out of control that has always been something I want to control and always been something I haven't because it's hard and I no longer always want it to be there. Of course, the added benefit of being speedier by dropping a few pounds isn't a bad perk. It's two months 'till race day. I'm saying it here, out loud: bye-bye desserts (although I do reserve the right for a bite of yours here and there). In one month, I may add alcohol to the list (at least more than one of them at a time and on weekdays). Like I said, I know I don't have to do this. But, part of me feels like I need to right now. I'm not going on some crazy diet, I'm not going to cut calories to the point I can't train well - that is, after all, the number one priority - but I just need to get things under control. So, please no "you're crazy/be careful/why would you do that" comments. If you know me, you know I'm nowhere disorder-land.

5. I want to find a job. No secret there :)

6. I want to point my career in the direction I want it to go. My post-doc was something I did because I know it wouldn't hurt me - it gave me more lab experience and publications, so it did, in fact, help me - and because it got me to the place I wanted to be at the time. I don't regret it, but it makes me realize how much I want the next job decision to be about what is best for me. That includes location, but more so in the vein of putting myself in a good place for job AND life opportunities. I can't be in a place with only one biotech company in a 200-mile radius. Both career-wise and socially, I need to be in a vibrant place with lots of choices and places to potentially be. Having been in a place where I had nearly zero options other than what I was doing at the time was exhausting, and trying to switch paths in such an environment would be nearly impossible.

7. I want to be able to be passionate about what I do, but also not have it control my life and dictate the kind of lifestyle I want. That is, "work to live" rather than "live to work."

8. I don't want to settle just because I'm impatient about finding a job.

9. I want to be financially secure. I have been poor for-ev-er. I have amazing parents who will make sure I am never in trouble, but it is tiring to have to worry about it. I am looking at my ever-diminishing savings and hate that it may dictate when I have to drive myself to Tucson to stay with them. I am probably even less fiscally responsible than I should be, but traveling will always be a weakness of mine. I'm not buying shoes or purses or designer jeans; I don't even dream about a fancy car or a huge house. Just let me travel. And eat well along the way.

10. I want to surround myself with people I love. I can very easily pull into myself and pretend I'm ok not reaching out and being a hermit. But this traveling and constant presence of friends and family reminded me that my soul needs those relationships. I want to be in a place where those relationships exist and can be nurtured. And I never want to take them for granted.

11. Speaking of relationships. I have been lucky enough to have spent each and every one of my visits with amazing couples at different stages of their relationships. Couples who love each other and have amazing dynamics; who have been through the best and the worst together and look at each other like no one else exists. It is heartwarming to witness this. Yeah, I want this. I am ready for this.

12. I want to be better at telling the people in my life that I love and cherish them. This is probably a function of that same "pulling into myself" characteristic - the "opening up and being vulnerable" thing has never been a strong point of mine and certainly didn't help in my last relationship. I will start now: to everyone reading this, you have touched my life in a way that I am eternally grateful for, be it big or small, and I love you for that.

13. I want to find a better balance in my life between living for the moment and dreaming about the future. Between instant and delayed gratification. I usually find myself wanting the things I want RIGHT NOW, instead of enjoying and learning from the journey that brings me to them. Maybe I want things to be too easy.

14. I want to always remember what I said before: that things can change in a heartbeat and nothing is guaranteed. It was a shock to learn this the hard way.

15-19. I'm not sure I can do 5 more on this list, after all. They would be sort of inane things, anyway, like cutting down computer time (ha!) and reading more for fun (which I could do with less computer time) and blogging more (trying!).